10 Cops We Need To Cancel

Cancel culture is coming in hot and the pandering corporations are not here for your overdue regrets.

Yet the cancel caravan drove right over the worst officers in American history. 

I’m starting the campaign for these ten problematic officers we need to cancel ASAP.

Chief Wiggum

First of all, the entire yellow and sometimes brown appropriated citizens of Springfield need to be removed from the spotlight. Chief Clancy Wiggum is in charge of possibly one of the most corrupt police departments in American history. This lazy, ignorant, donut hoarder has proven that he cannot oversee a moral police force on countless occasions. His governmental ties with Mayor Quimby protect him from prosecution for accepting bribes and extreme abuses of power. We can’t excuse the complacency of his fellow officers, Eddie and Lou. These men had every opportunity to intervene but instead turned a blind eye to keep their jobs for over 30 seasons. Sooner or later, we need to ask ourselves who is running this sh*t show of a city? Chief Wiggum, you got to go.

James Gordon

This wishy-washy two-face of Gotham City once made the biggest scene about a billionaire cosplay bat gliding through the city. Gotham is jacked up enough to let you know that this police force and Jimmy Gordon are useless. If your city needs Elon Musk to put on a superhero costume and playfight with clowns and the mafia, then you need to re-evaluate your service to the community. Gordon is apparently best friends with Batman, a clear sign he was bought out by big corporations, and nothing he says or does can be trusted. Yes, Batdaddy Warbucks and the Comish have knocked out a lot of corruption, but that doesn’t make me turn a blind eye to his deceit. If you held your peers’ feet to fire instead of placing all your trust on a rich sociopath, maybe Gotham City wouldn’t be shrouded in perpetual murky moonlight.

Joe Swanson

Seems to me, all we see is violence in this city and sex on the streets. Here’s why. The violent behavior is apparent. Don’t let this alleged family man fool you. Joseph Swanson is a real turkey and one of the worst officers in the Quahog Police Department. He lied about his injuries and has no grasp on his mental health. His unfair treatment of his wife, Bonnie, and neglect of his two children, is just the tip of the iceberg. Instead of spending time cleaning up the city, Joe spends evenings blacking out with known sex offender Quagmire, local terror Peter Griffin, and questionable sell-out Cleveland. Can we talk about Cleveland being a literal white man’s problematic interpretation of a black man in America with a white man’s voice? As a matter of fact, cancel all these bosom buddies and make Spooner Street, Quahog, and our communities a better place.

Inspector Gadget

This gross American appropriation of Inspector Clouseau is an entire problem for the validity of police everywhere. You would think being one of the only cyborgs in law enforcement history would give him an advantage or the ability to be a sound mediator of the law. Wrong. The Robocop reject is an absent-minded, gullible fool who places even his own family in danger to justify a quota. If it wasn’t for that brilliant niece Penny and her unsanctioned K-9, every citizen who comes in contact with this indecent inspector would be dead. I think his precinct needs to get smart and kick this human Swiss Army knife to the curb. You wonder why Dr. Claw can run amuck with his evil plans? Get Inspector Gadget off the beat and back in the lab for a much-needed upgrade. Justice will get you next time, Gadget!

Officer Jenny

I speculate that many of the country’s most problematic institutions are working with each other. Office Jenny is the proof. Every town and city in every recently discovered Pokemon region home to an Officer Jenny, but these identical tyrants are blood relatives. Where is the accountability? Everyone is trying to be the very best like no one ever was, but Officer Jenny and her cousins are just coasting by on the ignorance of these beanie baby slave masters. For decades, Officer Jenny turned a blind eye to the capture and enslavement of Pokemon. Maybe stop enabling preteens to traverse across the world unaccompanied by an adult and take some responsibility. If you paid attention to your citizens as much as those hair-dyed blue baby hairs, we would be all set.

Officer Barbrady

Do I really need to explain myself with this one? South Park is one of the worst cities in the entire country. Racists are quick to bring up Chicago as a talking point, but where is the mention of this town? For decades, the citizens have involved themselves in every scandal, conspiracy, and relevant controversial topic with no consequence. Sitting at the head of this reckless pile of manure is Officer Barbrady. He faced no consequences for shooting an unarmed 6-year-old Latino boy or a group of children pretending to be ninjas. I get that he’s not a complete sexual deviant and psychopath like the rest of South Park, but he’s absolutely unqualified to be in charge of any town’s police force. Take responsibility, Officer Barbrady, and we won’t have to worry about delusional elementary school bullies demanding us respect your authority.

Elisa Maza

According to Officer Elisa Maza of the New York City 23rd precinct, she is best friends with ancient statue survivors who became cityscape centerpieces for multi-billionaire David Xanatos. Don’t get me wrong, this woman put Native-American and African-American female cops in the spotlight in the 90s, and we are grateful for her sacrifice. Still, maybe she shouldn’t miss her subsequent psych evaluation. I believe she has some desire to emulate the work of Commissioner Gordon, which means she’s secret friends with the corrupt Xanatos. Rumor has it; she’s in an adulterous relationship with Goliath, the gargoyle leader who is still married to his amoral wife. Officer Quasimodo, this is messy. It looks like a lot more than your sadistic fantasies are coming to light—its time for you to step down.

Bonkers D. Bobcat

Some old lady let her crusty cat watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit one too many times, and now he thinks he can be a legitimate police officer. The gross endangerment of the community is the price to pay for allowing this hyperactive hood kitty to patrol the streets of Hollywood. There is no telling how much of our hard-earned tax dollars go into funding the undeniably useless Toon Division. Bonkers D. Bobcat is not fit for this job. The D stands for disgrace. He spends most of his day with a chronic drug addict, Fall-Apart Rabbit, and his messy alcoholic partner, officer Lucky Piquel. You are doing a disservice to toons everywhere, Bonkers. Your apparent disregard for the safety of humans because you don’t have to face the same limitations of mortality is dangerous. This is no laughing matter.

Mako

The trajectory as a known criminal, professional bender to a police officer, is suspect, to say the least. This dirty playboy used his scandalous relationship with the Avatar and eventually a billionaire heiress to weasel his way into the Republic City Police Force under the tutelage of the controversial Chief Lin Beifong. Firebenders have a complicated history, and while I shouldn’t hold it against him, his behavior has proven he has an uncontrollable hot-head. Mako stood in the way of many social justice groups like the Equalists, the Red Lotus, and the misguided anarchist metal-bender Kuvira. He’s a far cry from his down to Earth brother, Bolin. I think Avatar needs to look past their romance and realize this is one man who needs his bending taken away immediately. Time to put this fire boy out.  

Quick Draw McGraw

This sheriff needed to go yesterday. Quick Draw McGraw is a bumbling horse who literally rides on the back of his own kind to get ahead. For years he wandered through the tumbleweeds of the old west, unnaturally galloping on two hooves causing more mayhem than peace in public. In addition to his problematic behavior, there is his mistreatment of his Mexican-American deputy Baba Looey (I’m not even sure that is his real name). This is the last straw, Quick Draw. Being a sheriff is a huge responsibility, and your desire to horsing around is evidence you are not equipped to continue in this career. After cancellation, don’t wrap a bandana around your eyes, bust somebody in the head with a guitar, and try to make everything go away. Your problems will follow you to the glue factory of civil rights and justice.

Published by Myke Thompson

Myke Thompson is a humorist, storyteller, and an occasional piece of human trash who believes the best way to learn, educate, and experience the world is through the written word.

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